Month: June 2016

Sure-fire Way to Get Over Your Ex- Make a List!

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There’s no pain like break up pain and there’s no task harder than letting go of a bad relationship when you still love someone. It takes work and a definitive plan to move forward. And while you will need a strong support group and lots of care during this time, you will also need a list. Yes a list! One of the most helpful things you can do during this fragile time to get over your lost love and unhealthy relationship is to write out why you broke up. This isn’t just any list, it’s a lengthy “post-it” note on college ruled paper to remind you why he wasn’t good for you. Make a list of every time he hurt you, make a list of all the things he did to disrespect you or show you he didn’t care. And make a list of all the reasons it won’t work. Be honest with it. Tell the truth to yourself.

Let me help you get started. It goes something like this:

He allowed his ex girlfriend(s) to call, send texts and pictures
He never checked on my well being or went out of his way to uplift my life.
He didn’t listen, always blamed or played victim
He was selfish(and say how)
He cheated on me (and name her and the number of times)
He made promises he didn’t keep (remind yourself of which ones)
He took more than he ever gave
He was abusive
He was disrespectful (say how)
He didn’t communicate worth a damn!
He was rude: talked on the phone, took calls in my presence, text folks etc
He didn’t handle his business in the bedroom(or whatever fits here)
He lied to me not once but many times about…(fill in the blanks)
He forgot my birthday
He’s married or in love with someone else (Duh! but yes this is a real situation)

Anyway, you get the point.

When you have completed your honest list, post it everywhere: your bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, your computer at work etc. So the next time you start waxing nostalgic about what you had and how much you miss him, just go stand in front of your list and remind yourself why it was best to let him go and remind yourself that you deserve a whole, happy, loving relationship one on one with a good person.

If you don’t remind yourself of why he wasn’t good for you, the emotional part of you will succumb to the non-sense (aka bullsh*t) again. If you aren’t armed with the truth at all times, that next text or call from him will make you weak in the knees and he will have you caught up again, sipping the Jim Jones juice, killing off more of your life, all to your peril.

And lastly, give yourself the extra help you need at this difficult time, use the “block” button on your phone. It works and saves you from checking your phone every 15 minutes to see if he called or text you (Lord knows I did that sh*t before LOL and SMDH). You have to do all you can to get over anyone who hurts you and takes more than they give. It’s your responsibility to love you and take care of your heart. Let them go!

The only time you should think about taking them back, is if they undo all the wrong, apologize and SHOW you in every way, they learned their lesson and then come correct. Yes, that means they need to put a ring on it (in my Beyonce voice) and invest time and money! Otherwise tell em boi bye!

By Rhonda E. Frost

Published author, of the book Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? , writer of all things relationship, formerly married, current serial dater, lover of life and 100% Steeler fan.

 

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Don’t Awaken Her Love…if You Have No Intentions of Loving Her

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Bob Marley has this quote that says, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.”

And to that I say this: for any man entering (or trying to re-enter) any woman’s life…if your intentions are dishonorable, if you want only to take and not give, if you aren’t clear about what you want and need, if you aren’t emotionally (or otherwise) ready, and if you cannot add value: emotional, joy, love and financial value and commit to the process and the relationship, then do yourself and us a favor and keep it moving.

Don’t open a woman’s heart if you have no intention of doing right, being right and loving her. And if you aren’t capable of loving and staying-then stop before you start. To be in it, you have to be “ready, willing and able…”(in my Jaheim voice). If you play games, or dabble in it…if you toy with her emotions and heart, be ready to manage whatever the outcome of that looks like. Don’t play victim when it gets real. At this point in life, none of us have time for anything less than ALL IN LOVE. Most women have had enough of the nonsense, I know I have. I won’t do it anymore. Come correct or don’t come. Either way, we will be fine. Love us or let us be!

Now that you know…let’s proceed~

~by Rhonda E. Frost

 

 

An Open Letter to Exes

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If you break up with someone or get a divorce there’s usually a reason that occurred. There was something that wasn’t working to the point where it made sense to let that person go. That being said, it’s natural to miss the one you loved or still love for that matter. Let’s face it, breaking up is hard and we all reminisce and sort through memories of times you shared with that someone who was special at one time or another and we all imagine what it could have been like had they worked for us. We all do that.

But here’s the deal, if you broke up with someone and you go back to someone else or you move on quickly to the next person before your heart is healed or before your mind is clear on what you want and need, it creates a messy situation and potentially a hurtful situation because what you will find after the salve of him or her over your wounded needy heart has dissipated and the excitement of someone else filling that empty space has worn off, you wake up and realize one of these things: 1)they are not what you really want or need, or 2) the relationship isn’t going to work for a myriad of reasons, 3) you realize you just aren’t ready for another relationship or 4 ) you miss the person you had-and then you have to back out of the new situation and risk hurting someone. Sometimes you can back out peacefully and amicably, sometimes not, because emotions are a tricky thing.

Now the other piece to this very important message today is this-if you move on to the next thing and you find you aren’t as happy as you might have envisioned…don’t, and I repeat DON’T pull the one you left back into the fray. Don’t text them, don’t send subliminal messages, don’t send sweet songs for them to listen to, don’t send flowers, don’t tell them you miss them and by all means, don’t tell them about your current or failed new relationship! All that does is: 1) it keeps them connected to you and keeps their hopes up of rekindling(which is what you hope it does) and 2) it creates a volatile situation for all parties. And above all of that, it’s selfish.

So if you have moved on, know that the other person is also trying to move on. And you calling, texting and sending mixed messages doesn’t serve the healing process. You trying to keep them in the relationship matrix because the new thing isn’t as good as what you had, isn’t fair or right. This is how people get hurt, physically and otherwise. The only time you should reach back to rekindle love with your Ex is if: 1) you plan to do right, 2) you have cleared the mess you created, 3) you’ve apologized for the wrong you’ve done and 4) both people want the same thing at the same time.

This is about feelings and raw emotions and selfishness. Be careful with folks hearts. It’s not a game. Playing with fire will often times get you burned or in street terms get you f*cked up!

In closing, the next time you decide to move forward with someone else, take a good hard look at what you have and examine the value and what they give to you and do for you and if you decide after that evaluation to go on, then do that and never look back but don’t do that and keep pulling others back in for your selfish needs. And if you disregard this PSA and do it anyway, well don’t act like a victim when the sh*t goes bad. You get what you get.

~Rhonda E. FrostMe June 2016

So Many Good Women-So Few Good Men?

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There are so many good women out here ready to be a wife or in a committed relationship. Women who are emotionally available, doing the work, handling business, growing in knowledge, raising their children(or have raised them) and focused. They are smart, attractive, sexy, funny, warm and kind women. Women who’ve been broken but still believe. Women who are willing to give love another chance in spite of the bleakness of it all. Yet, seemingly, so few men who value her. Why? As days turn into months, and months turn into years, I can’t help but wonder when he will show up for the collective us?

We…

We carry children for 9 months (stretching our stomachs beyond repair), we give birth through our birth canals suffering through the most painful experience any human can endure (and live to tell about), we raise our babies, we allow you into our sacred place trusting you to do right. We make a house into a home, we clean up after you, we cook, we nurture, we exercise the patience of Job (yes the biblical Job) as we wait for you to grow up, communicate with clarity, love with good intention, put down childish things, make up your minds, and get right…

We work with you as you sort through your feelings and emotions, go through your “mid-life” crises (most of your life), and as you take us for granted and mess up repeatedly. We forgive you, over and over again. We answer the phone when you call even after weeks of absence or after you’ve hurt us one more time. We lift you up when you are down and we allow you to keep coming back even when we shouldn’t. Patiently we wait for you to see past our booty, breasts and bodies or what we can offer you sexually and to acknowledge our soul and see our heart…we practically beg you to listen, to see our value and appreciate our goodness. We wait in anticipation hoping you will finally claim us for forever and be “him”, the “one”, our protector and provider. The one who will cover us with respect and love til our lungs no longer fill with oxygen and our hearts no longer beat. But where are you? When will you show up fully present, ready, willing and able to assume the position?

This isn’t for the lucky few who have this in their lives, this is for the masses, the rest of the women who have not had this experience of love and commitment. I speak for them.

Is it timing? Is it lack of regard? Is it too much excess or too many options? What makes finding him or him finding her so tricky? What makes respecting a good woman so hard? I can’t help but to wonder what would happen if we just stopped. What if we stopped forgiving, giving, doing, catering, taking your calls, making love to you, listening to your stories, accepting less than what we are worth, allowing you back in? Would you change? Would you show up and act right? Would “I do” be restored to it’s sacred place? Would you appreciate the woman who has been fighting for you the whole time or appreciate the next good woman you meet? What will it take for us to change and get back to respecting real people and real love? What will it take to value or desire marriage? What will it take for us to honor relationships?

These are rhetorical questions but comments are welcome. ***sigh*** Back to work now…