An Open Letter to Exes

If you break up with someone or get a divorce there’s usually a reason that occurred. There was something that wasn’t working to the point where it made sense to let that person go. That being said, it’s natural to miss the one you loved or still love for that matter. Let’s face it, breaking up is hard and we all reminisce and sort through memories of times you shared with that someone who was special at one time or another and we all imagine what it could have been like had they worked for us. We all do that.

But here’s the deal, if you broke up with someone and you go back to someone else or you move on quickly to the next person before your heart is healed or before your mind is clear on what you want and need, it creates a messy situation and potentially a hurtful situation because what you will find after the salve of him or her over your wounded needy heart has dissipated and the excitement of someone else filling that empty space has worn off, you wake up and realize one of these things: 1)they are not what you really want or need, or 2) the relationship isn’t going to work for a myriad of reasons, 3) you realize you just aren’t ready for another relationship or 4 ) you miss the person you had-and then you have to back out of the new situation and risk hurting someone. Sometimes you can back out peacefully and amicably, sometimes not, because emotions are a tricky thing.

Now the other piece to this very important message today is this-if you move on to the next thing and you find you aren’t as happy as you might have envisioned…don’t, and I repeat DON’T pull the one you left back into the fray. Don’t text them, don’t send subliminal messages, don’t send sweet songs for them to listen to, don’t send flowers, don’t tell them you miss them and by all means, don’t tell them about your current or failed new relationship! All that does is: 1) it keeps them connected to you and keeps their hopes up of rekindling(which is what you hope it does) and 2) it creates a volatile situation for all parties. And above all of that, it’s selfish.

So if you have moved on, know that the other person is also trying to move on. And you calling, texting and sending mixed messages doesn’t serve the healing process. You trying to keep them in the relationship matrix because the new thing isn’t as good as what you had, isn’t fair or right. This is how people get hurt, physically and otherwise. The only time you should reach back to rekindle love with your Ex is if: 1) you plan to do right, 2) you have cleared the mess you created, 3) you’ve apologized for the wrong you’ve done and 4) both people want the same thing at the same time.

This is about feelings and raw emotions and selfishness. Be careful with folks hearts. It’s not a game. Playing with fire will often times get you burned or in street terms get you f*cked up!

In closing, the next time you decide to move forward with someone else, take a good hard look at what you have and examine the value and what they give to you and do for you and if you decide after that evaluation to go on, then do that and never look back but don’t do that and keep pulling others back in for your selfish needs. And if you disregard this PSA and do it anyway, well don’t act like a victim when the sh*t goes bad. You get what you get.

~Rhonda E. FrostMe June 2016

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So Many Good Women-So Few Good Men?

There are so many good women out here ready to be a wife or in a committed relationship. Women who are emotionally available, doing the work, handling business, growing in knowledge, raising their children(or have raised them) and focused. They are smart, attractive, sexy, funny, warm and kind women. Women who’ve been broken but still believe. Women who are willing to give love another chance in spite of the bleakness of it all. Yet, seemingly, so few men who value her. Why? As days turn into months, and months turn into years, I can’t help but wonder when he will show up for the collective us?

We…

We carry children for 9 months (stretching our stomachs beyond repair), we give birth through our birth canals suffering through the most painful experience any human can endure (and live to tell about), we raise our babies, we allow you into our sacred place trusting you to do right. We make a house into a home, we clean up after you, we cook, we nurture, we exercise the patience of Job (yes the biblical Job) as we wait for you to grow up, communicate with clarity, love with good intention, put down childish things, make up your minds, and get right…

We work with you as you sort through your feelings and emotions, go through your “mid-life” crises (most of your life), and as you take us for granted and mess up repeatedly. We forgive you, over and over again. We answer the phone when you call even after weeks of absence or after you’ve hurt us one more time. We lift you up when you are down and we allow you to keep coming back even when we shouldn’t. Patiently we wait for you to see past our booty, breasts and bodies or what we can offer you sexually and to acknowledge our soul and see our heart…we practically beg you to listen, to see our value and appreciate our goodness. We wait in anticipation hoping you will finally claim us for forever and be “him”, the “one”, our protector and provider. The one who will cover us with respect and love til our lungs no longer fill with oxygen and our hearts no longer beat. But where are you? When will you show up fully present, ready, willing and able to assume the position?

This isn’t for the lucky few who have this in their lives, this is for the masses, the rest of the women who have not had this experience of love and commitment. I speak for them.

Is it timing? Is it lack of regard? Is it too much excess or too many options? What makes finding him or him finding her so tricky? What makes respecting a good woman so hard? I can’t help but to wonder what would happen if we just stopped. What if we stopped forgiving, giving, doing, catering, taking your calls, making love to you, listening to your stories, accepting less than what we are worth, allowing you back in? Would you change? Would you show up and act right? Would “I do” be restored to it’s sacred place? Would you appreciate the woman who has been fighting for you the whole time or appreciate the next good woman you meet? What will it take for us to change and get back to respecting real people and real love? What will it take to value or desire marriage? What will it take for us to honor relationships?

These are rhetorical questions but comments are welcome. ***sigh*** Back to work now…

 

About My Facebook Relationship Status

I’ve been on Facebook for over 6 years. Never once have I disclosed my relationship status or changed it from “single” to “in a relationship” (with the little hearts ) LOL! Does that mean I haven’t been in a relationship? Nope! It means I value my privacy. I’ve seen too many people putting pictures up of new loves and changing statuses only to have to pull it/them down a few weeks or months later and I’ve watched them do it more than once. Never a good look! My advice, don’t change a damn thing until you know, that you know, that you know, they are the one! Meaning you have proposed and they said “yes” or you have a ring on it. My two cents.

Now let me admit, I have loved and lost in the past 6 years (a little more recent than that) and there’s a story about one in particular which I must share because it’s so earth shattering, interesting, off kilter and sad. It ended so abruptly I didn’t have the chance to breathe, much less speak. I mean one day we were together(literally) and the next day not! I was shoved out of a 40 story window with no safety net and hit the ground hard! Pieces of my heart splattered all over the ground. He didn’t even look back to see if I was breathing. Damn! Talk about a bruised ego and a humbling experience! Until that happened, I was convinced we had something special. That proved untrue.

I know it looks like I’m invincible and everything is wonderful in my love life but let me be the first to tell you, I’ve had my heart broken to pieces just like most of you have, and I’ve been told “good-bye” when I wasn’t ready to say good-bye and yes, I’ve been the girl calling someone who didn’t call me back or respond when I desperately needed an answer and to hear his voice. And I’ve been the woman who has cried herself to sleep and the woman who couldn’t sleep at all. That, my friends, is the worst feeling in the world!

But I have also known love. I’ve been loved so deeply that he and I felt like we were intertwined on every level, we overflowed with love, passion and chemistry~ the kind you read about in books. The kind where the rest of the world disappears when you are together, for years I had the chance to know that kind of love. It was surreal. And over the years since, I’ve been blessed to have people care for and love me in ways people only dream of. But yes, I have loved and lost, made terrible decisions in relationships and have opened my heart to those who didn’t deserve it and who couldn’t appreciate what I gave or who I was. I know this love thing intimately and speak on it with experience.

The good news is, there is life after heart-break. The sun still rises and sets and each new day brings new relief. The better news is, after a while the heart does heal and the mind eventually allows any memory of that person to fade. And the best news is~ eventually love finds us again and suddenly none of what happened in the past matters. I’ve been blessed like that. At the end of the day, no one is exempt from pain. It’s life. The ebb and flow of love and relationships won’t ever change. Its all a miracle of sorts the way we come together, some last, some don’t but all of the experiences help shape us.The truth is we cannot fully appreciate the power and beauty of loving and being loved until we suffer the experience of someone who didn’t love us. Only then can we mature enough to appreciate real love and care the second time around.

So no, I don’t update my status at all and one would never know if I am “in a relationship” until I am sure I am in a relationship with a shiny ring on my finger and a commitment in tow. And honestly it’s pointless to do so unless you don’t mind explaining why your “status” keeps changing and what happened to John, and T.J. and Jerry and William who all looked so nice and sounded so promising. Uhm no!

Rhonda Frost's photo.