So Many Good Women-So Few Good Men?

There are so many good women out here ready to be a wife or in a committed relationship. Women who are emotionally available, doing the work, handling business, growing in knowledge, raising their children(or have raised them) and focused. They are smart, attractive, sexy, funny, warm and kind women. Women who’ve been broken but still believe. Women who are willing to give love another chance in spite of the bleakness of it all. Yet, seemingly, so few men who value her. Why? As days turn into months, and months turn into years, I can’t help but wonder when he will show up for the collective us?

We…

We carry children for 9 months (stretching our stomachs beyond repair), we give birth through our birth canals suffering through the most painful experience any human can endure (and live to tell about), we raise our babies, we allow you into our sacred place trusting you to do right. We make a house into a home, we clean up after you, we cook, we nurture, we exercise the patience of Job (yes the biblical Job) as we wait for you to grow up, communicate with clarity, love with good intention, put down childish things, make up your minds, and get right…

We work with you as you sort through your feelings and emotions, go through your “mid-life” crises (most of your life), and as you take us for granted and mess up repeatedly. We forgive you, over and over again. We answer the phone when you call even after weeks of absence or after you’ve hurt us one more time. We lift you up when you are down and we allow you to keep coming back even when we shouldn’t. Patiently we wait for you to see past our booty, breasts and bodies or what we can offer you sexually and to acknowledge our soul and see our heart…we practically beg you to listen, to see our value and appreciate our goodness. We wait in anticipation hoping you will finally claim us for forever and be “him”, the “one”, our protector and provider. The one who will cover us with respect and love til our lungs no longer fill with oxygen and our hearts no longer beat. But where are you? When will you show up fully present, ready, willing and able to assume the position?

This isn’t for the lucky few who have this in their lives, this is for the masses, the rest of the women who have not had this experience of love and commitment. I speak for them.

Is it timing? Is it lack of regard? Is it too much excess or too many options? What makes finding him or him finding her so tricky? What makes respecting a good woman so hard? I can’t help but to wonder what would happen if we just stopped. What if we stopped forgiving, giving, doing, catering, taking your calls, making love to you, listening to your stories, accepting less than what we are worth, allowing you back in? Would you change? Would you show up and act right? Would “I do” be restored to it’s sacred place? Would you appreciate the woman who has been fighting for you the whole time or appreciate the next good woman you meet? What will it take for us to change and get back to respecting real people and real love? What will it take to value or desire marriage? What will it take for us to honor relationships?

These are rhetorical questions but comments are welcome. ***sigh*** Back to work now…

 

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About My Facebook Relationship Status

I’ve been on Facebook for over 6 years. Never once have I disclosed my relationship status or changed it from “single” to “in a relationship” (with the little hearts ) LOL! Does that mean I haven’t been in a relationship? Nope! It means I value my privacy. I’ve seen too many people putting pictures up of new loves and changing statuses only to have to pull it/them down a few weeks or months later and I’ve watched them do it more than once. Never a good look! My advice, don’t change a damn thing until you know, that you know, that you know, they are the one! Meaning you have proposed and they said “yes” or you have a ring on it. My two cents.

Now let me admit, I have loved and lost in the past 6 years (a little more recent than that) and there’s a story about one in particular which I must share because it’s so earth shattering, interesting, off kilter and sad. It ended so abruptly I didn’t have the chance to breathe, much less speak. I mean one day we were together(literally) and the next day not! I was shoved out of a 40 story window with no safety net and hit the ground hard! Pieces of my heart splattered all over the ground. He didn’t even look back to see if I was breathing. Damn! Talk about a bruised ego and a humbling experience! Until that happened, I was convinced we had something special. That proved untrue.

I know it looks like I’m invincible and everything is wonderful in my love life but let me be the first to tell you, I’ve had my heart broken to pieces just like most of you have, and I’ve been told “good-bye” when I wasn’t ready to say good-bye and yes, I’ve been the girl calling someone who didn’t call me back or respond when I desperately needed an answer and to hear his voice. And I’ve been the woman who has cried herself to sleep and the woman who couldn’t sleep at all. That, my friends, is the worst feeling in the world!

But I have also known love. I’ve been loved so deeply that he and I felt like we were intertwined on every level, we overflowed with love, passion and chemistry~ the kind you read about in books. The kind where the rest of the world disappears when you are together, for years I had the chance to know that kind of love. It was surreal. And over the years since, I’ve been blessed to have people care for and love me in ways people only dream of. But yes, I have loved and lost, made terrible decisions in relationships and have opened my heart to those who didn’t deserve it and who couldn’t appreciate what I gave or who I was. I know this love thing intimately and speak on it with experience.

The good news is, there is life after heart-break. The sun still rises and sets and each new day brings new relief. The better news is, after a while the heart does heal and the mind eventually allows any memory of that person to fade. And the best news is~ eventually love finds us again and suddenly none of what happened in the past matters. I’ve been blessed like that. At the end of the day, no one is exempt from pain. It’s life. The ebb and flow of love and relationships won’t ever change. Its all a miracle of sorts the way we come together, some last, some don’t but all of the experiences help shape us.The truth is we cannot fully appreciate the power and beauty of loving and being loved until we suffer the experience of someone who didn’t love us. Only then can we mature enough to appreciate real love and care the second time around.

So no, I don’t update my status at all and one would never know if I am “in a relationship” until I am sure I am in a relationship with a shiny ring on my finger and a commitment in tow. And honestly it’s pointless to do so unless you don’t mind explaining why your “status” keeps changing and what happened to John, and T.J. and Jerry and William who all looked so nice and sounded so promising. Uhm no!

Rhonda Frost's photo.

No Time for Half-Way Love

the hourglass of time

I humbly admit, at this time in my life, I don’t know how to love someone “half-in” or “half-way”. I’m fifty-two years old. I’ve done it before and I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t have time for “almost in” love relationships.

I don’t want to hold surface conversations with shallow words and topics (not for long anyway). I want to go deep.  I want to know you and I want you to know me.  In the words of Rascal Flatts, “there’s a place in your heart, nobody’s been, take me there. Things nobody knows, not even your friends, take me there…I want to know everything about you…” that’s the kind of connection I seek. I want our “soul print” boxes to connect as Marc Gafni speaks about in his book Soul Prints. We can’t get to “soul print” connections on the surface. I don’t want to withhold compliments or touches. I want you to know I appreciate what I see and I want you to feel my touch. And I want to the same in return.

I can no longer tolerate pretense or to act like things don’t bother me when they do, or  act like I don’t see or hear what I see and hear. I don’t know how to get to know you without asking questions or clarifying issues. I can’t kiss without passion or make love like it doesn’t matter. Sporadic love, communication and intimacy doesn’t interest me.

Everything matters now. Every second matters. Every word matters. Every touch matters. Time is of the essence. The hourglass of time is turned upside down and the sands are trickling down, it won’t be too long before they are gone. I want each of my remaining minutes to be filled with passion, laughter, joy, love and purpose. I want my life to be connected and if we(whoever “we” are) choose each other, then I say, let’s be all in, let’s leave fear at the door and let us show each other what it means to love, protect and respect each other. If we can’t have that, then we can’t have anything.  No, I can’t do “half-way” love anymore. I’d rather fly solo until my present and ready someone arrives.

 

Rhonda E. Frost

10 Pros and Cons to Dating a Married Man

By Rhonda E. Frost Co-Author of, Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man, and the upcoming book Is Married the New Single?  writer, editor, relationship blogger.

Like it or not, infidelity and affairs are part of the fabric of our relationship lives. There are websites like Ashleymadison.com which touts over 42 million anonymous married subscribers, marriedcheaters.com and a host of other on-line sites that give married people the opportunity to get their needs met with people who are not their spouse, not to mention the traditional way of meeting someone’s spouse, like at work (think the hit series Scandal where the on screen POTUS named Fitz Grant is having a torrid affair with Olivia Pope his staffer) or that sexy guy you met at the night club, church or the grocery store.  Married men are everywhere making themselves available to single women. I call it dating while married or (DWM). We all know at least one woman who has dated a married man, or been cheated on. I know more than one. In fact almost every married guy I know and almost every single woman I know has a story. I have several of my own. You can acknowledge it or bury you head in the sand, whichever works best, but what is undeniable is that this phenomenon is here to stay.  Continue reading

Letting Go (When Love is Gone)

If at all possible, I want you to log on to YouTube and find the song “Neither One of Us” by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and listen to it while you read the below lyrics. Anyone and everyone who has ever been married and divorced or loved someone who they had to let go of will be moved by the words to this famous song.  Gladys hit every single point in this farewell message.

It’s sad to think, we’re not gonna make it, and it’s gotten to the point, where we just can’t fake it, ohhh  for some ungodly reason, we  just won’t let it die, I guess neither one of us, wants to be the first to say good-bye.

I keep wondering (wondering) what I’m gonna do without you, and I guess you must be wondering the same thing too, so we go on, go on together, living a lie,

Because neither one of us, neither one of us, wants to be the first to say good-bye…

~Gladys Knight and the Pips

Letting go of someone you love is one of life’s most painful experiences no one will argue that, but staying with someone who no longer loves you or staying in an empty, disrespectful, unfulfilling relationship is worse. Yet, people all over the world do it for a variety of reasons.

When love is gone, it’s gone. Love is the glue, cement and the nails that keep a relationship together, without it there is no relationship, it’s reduced to two hologram images of people appearing as a couple.

Typically when love is gone and people remain in the relationship, both are emotionally numb, simply existing together every day until something gives, or until someone cheats. More often than not, the broken couple is waiting on that moment when they can exit without hurting the other too much or without losing too much, and far too many are “waiting til the kids grow up” or until ——————(fill in the blank), as they allow the minutes, hours, days and years of their lives to tick off the life span time clock.

It’s always one person wanting to end it and the other holding on for dear life. Rarely are two people in agreement when it’s time to let go. Rarely does it happen when the husband sits down and says “you know, I think we should divorce and seek our happiness, we haven’t been happy for years” and the wife Jane says “you know Tom, I believe you are right, I’ve been thinking the same thing for quite some time now, so let’s sort this thing out, and by the way have you given any thought to what you would like to keep as far as furnishings, jewelry and cars go? What’s a fair amount of child support? And how should we divide up these bills? Do you want Jason and Sabrina every weekend or every other weekend? I just want to be fair in everything.  And considering our decision, we will just sleep in separate rooms and make the best of it until the divorce is final.” Closing out the discussion, Tom says “I’m so glad we see eye to eye on this! We both know it will be hard but the love and respect we have for each other will carry us through”. Jane says “absolutely so let’s schedule to meet with the lawyer on Wednesday, how does that work for your schedule Tom?” I’m now clicking my heels together 3 times and here we are back in the real world.

I interviewed a man, I will call him Bobby J, who shared with me the story about his best friend, a guy whose marriage story has to be told here. I will call the couple Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, they have been married for fourteen years. The Stinson’s have been unhappy for most of their marriage, they were happy the first few years, but after that it’s been downhill. Mrs. Stinson is (was) a Pharmacist, obviously educated and according to Bobby J “a nice looking woman”. Her husband is a blue collar worker who makes good money in his field.  The Stinson’s drive nice cars, live in a comfortable suburban home in Georgia and from the outside looking in, they appear like a perfectly matched couple living the American dream. One day the wife founds out about an affair that Mr. Stinson has apparently been having for a few months (this would be his 3rd affair). On yet another day, Mrs. Stinson learns that her husband and his new girlfriend are at a local restaurant having some lunch.  Just as the unsuspecting couple  are coming out of the restaurant, the wife pulls up in her car and sees him kiss the woman good-bye as she is getting in her car. The wife then backs up her car, presses on the gas pedal as if entering the highway and begins ramming full speed into the woman’s car, repeatedly crashing into it apparently trying to crush her alive. Customers start coming out and people start screaming. The vehicle is being totally destroyed right before everyone’s eyes. No one can believe what’s happening! Seeing that this situation was out of control, the “other woman” jumps out of her car and runs back into the restaurant scared for her very life! The wife and husband are now in a full blown fight out in public, she’s crying and screaming hysterically and appears to have taken leave of her senses and the husband is in a state of shock doing his best to control her by gripping her in a bear hug.  The terrified mistress calls the police from inside the restaurant and after it was all said and done, witness testimony given, coupled with the obvious damage done to the car, wifey is hauled off to jail.

The “other woman” pressed charges against her and this case is pending court. The wife may be sentenced to jail and she may very well lose her professional license. Three affairs (which should have been a red flag or at least an indication of something wrong in the relationship), years of apparent misery for both, no ability to communicate through the issues, no one “wanting to be the first to say good-bye”, now possible jail time and unnecessary legal fees for the wife who lost her mind trying to hold on when love was gone. Update: I was informed not too long ago that the divorce is now final between the Stinson’s. The former husband and his “other woman” are now a happy couple. The former, Mrs. Stinson now has an arrest record and is starting over alone.

What about the female dentist in Texas who discovered her husband was cheating and as she observed the husband and mistress coming out of a hotel, decided in the heat of passion and rage, to run him over with her Mercedes Benz(with her step-daughter in the car)? She killed him. The step-daughter testified against her. The wife is now serving 20 years in the big house for that crime. Her career, her life as she knew it and everything she worked her whole life for is over. Letting go before losing her mind over him would have served her better.

And how about that Jodi Arias who was convicted of killing her boyfriend who wanted out of the relationship, she couldn’t handle him moving on or imagine him with someone else.  How is that for control? She is now in prison for life.

Yes there are countless stories about jealous and crazy men doing the same thing to their significant others, beating up or killing the other man or killing girlfriends, or wives and children because she wanted out of the marriage or relationship and he didn’t want to let go. And I’ll admit, I have my own holding on when love is gone stories and acting out when it was useless. The end result was, the relationship still ended.

And the question is why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it really worth it? What are we holding on to when it gets this bad, the house, the cars, the bank account? The image of the intact loving family? Do we not trust our ability to find someone else? Is it fear of being alone? What about our children? Do we not believe that they see our lack of joy, our unhappiness and hear our arguing? Do we not think our misery hurts them? Are we tolerating abuse, disrespect and or unhappiness just to be able to say “I have a man or I am married?” And do we really believe that even if we convince them to stay, that somehow the marriage or relationship will suddenly get better and all will be well?

Ok so maybe you haven’t plotted to stab, shoot or kill your ex-boyfriend or husband, but most women reading this have done something semi-crazy if not full blown insane when trying to get a lover back or hold onto a man who wants to leave. It’s critical to understand, when love, trust and passion are gone, and when a man no longer wants you in his life, all the calls, crazy acts, begging, letter writing and crying in the world, won’t save it or make him want you back. Trust me, I’ve tried it, it don’t work! It doesn’t matter how good sex was, and how many times he said he loved you or how much you loved him. All of that is in the past now. You can’t keep what doesn’t want to be kept. Letting go of him and the relationship is your only option.

How to let go?

Make a List-Like Shanae Hall noted in her Huffington Post article Coming to Grips with Not Being In Love with Your Spouse Anymore, letting go means making a list of all the hurt, pain, disappointments and reasons why you haven’t been happy with that person. For instance “he cheated on me, he disrespects me, he’s abusive, he isn’t a good parent, he doesn’t provide and lacks ambition” or “we don’t love each other anymore, we don’t communicate well, we aren’t good for each other,  I am not attracted to him, I’ve outgrown our relationship, he isn’t a good role model for our kids, the sex is awful, there is no chemistry”. Post that on the walls in your home and office where you can see it. We need this list because without it our mind plays tricks on us and all we remember are the good times. Our memories don’t serve us well when we want someone back. It’s about honesty.  This list will remind us why we have to keep moving forward.

Read, listen and watch! Read self-help, relationship and spirituality books, Barne’s and Noble and Amazon are your best friend during this time. Read, read, read! And listen to motivation and inspirational podcasts (like on Oprah’s website and check out her LifeClasses) this kind of uplift changes your life for the better! Talk to people who have been through it and have your best interest at heart and listen to how they made it through, this can motivate you.

Pray, meditate and journal. Prayer and meditation are key. Without prayer and quiet time, I don’t know where I would be. It’s that connection to Spirit that restores faith that you can make it through. It also reminds you that you are forgiven and can help you forgive him. Writing in your journal also is a big help. Writing it down when you can’t tell it to someone is an excellent way of getting it out of your thoughts and down on paper and enables you to say what needs to be said without fear of being judged. That too has been a Godsend for many.    

Cry– Crying and feeling sad is normal after letting go of a loved one. Crying cleanses the soul. There is nothing in the world like a good cry. You feel better, it releases emotions and it’s healing. The Neo Soul singer Lyfe Jennings says in his song Cry, “Can’t be nothing all that wrong with crying, if anybody says they’re that strong they lyin’, see crying is like taking your soul to the Laundromat,” words of wisdom no doubt. Give yourself time to grieve, just don’t stay there. Fight to get through it and to the other side to happiness.      

Get busy living! Go to the gym or to the park and walk or run often, work on being sexy and healthy for you. Exercise relieves stress and helps you feel better. Go out with friends, join social groups, go to church, go dancing (one of my favorites), go to concerts and travel.  Meet up with positive women and men who have been through what you are going through and understand. And DELETE his numbers (so you won’t drunk call or text him or call him on those lonely rainy nights. Lawd knows I’ve done that too!) Whatever you do, get moving and get out of the house! Happiness awaits you!

Yes, letting go of someone we love is heart breaking but not more heart breaking than holding on when love is gone. We owe it to ourselves to let go.  It’s an act of strength, courage and bravery to accept what is and to move on after all the options have been exhausted.  When they say “this too shall pass” it’s real. Pain from broken relationships will go away and eventually the heart does go on. No, it’s not instantaneous, and no, it won’t be easy, but it will pass. But you gotta do the work. You must stay focused and keep stepping back to look at the big picture. Your life, health and happiness depend on it. That is what self-love looks like and this is what opens the door to a much happier life alone and eventually with someone else.

Sometimes losing is winning but we can’t see that til we let go and get to the other side.

 

Rhonda E. Frost

***This is an excerpt from the book Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man (2014) index

by Shanae Hall and Rhonda Frost-