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Dear Future Husband: I Can’t Love You Like This

 

Dear Future Husband,

If I am to love you, and give myself to you…if I am to trust you, and we are to have a future together, some things have to change. I can’t love you like this.

If every woman you meet is introduced to your false narrative and your soulless accosting of her gifts (both physical and emotional), how then will any relationship flourish?  If deliberate truth isn’t your M.O., how will we move forward as a unit or a culture? If you lack integrity, how can you be respected? If you don’t share your real feelings or intentions, how do we get beyond silly games?

And if one good woman is never enough for you, how will we ever get to “I do?”

Social media, the perceived(and real) male/female ratios, greed and overall nonchalance about commitment, have changed the dating game. Things seem out of control! The rotating bed partner effect, is real. They say, “why settle for one, when you have options galore at your fingertips?”-And that’s a literal statement. Literally, within minutes, and with little to no effort, a man can have a new body in front of him with just a swipe to the left or right or the right mix of words in a message said to a woman in need. Sheesh! How do we compete with the feeding frenzy and seemingly insatiable appetite of your world?

When and how can we ever heal from this relationship abyss of the 21st century, if nothing ever changes in you?

To the social media point-my Facebook (FB) “inbox” stays full. I could literally go on a date every other night, and take several trips a month, hell, I could even get married, if I acted on the messages, requests and offers presented to me weekly. So this isn’t speculation, it’s fact. I’ve been proposed to at least 4 times in 3 months. More proposals than any woman should have. But I am not naive, I don’t look at any of this as real(though my future husband may be in one of those offers). I look at it as a game for most. There are serial social media predators. No, not all. But many. They use the same lines, and offer the same prizes, they inform you of their cars and wealth, they send you the daily “hey beautiful” messages. No, I am not saying some aren’t genuine, I would imagine some of you are actually looking for me(a wife) just like I am looking for you(a husband). But most, aren’t. Most are looking to score some a** and a notch. Some of that “good, good” as the young hip folks call it.

I am a realist, my “inbox” isn’t the only one with options. Some of my female friends have told me that a few of the male folks from my page, have trickled on to theirs and that they also get some offers and these same men use similar catch phrases with them. Hell, a few of my friends send me the pictures of him and ask “what’s this guys story, he is getting at me hard”, it’s laughable and sad. And there’s no doubt men are getting their fair share of direct messages from the more aggressive women as well.

But back to the point. It’s like asking a shark, not to follow the bloody chum trail. It’s not possible! Once they smell blood, they must have it-they want the meat. So is that where you are? And if so, how much of it do you need, before you are full and ready?

The lies, the hustle, the games. Aren’t we all too grown for that? I am privy to too many broken dating and relationship stories. Single women dating men who send their representative to meet them, reps who sell women the “I am single, ready and I have it all together” dream, they get her to buy into it and sign the contract, only to find the product he was peddling was a lemon, it didn’t work as promised, the quality or size  of the parts were not up to par, or the entire product was broken inside and out and rendered unusable for the long haul. And no refunds are ever given.

Or they come in like a wolf in the “Little Red Riding Hood” story, covered in false clothing, with false story’s and bad intentions (sharp teeth and all), ready to shred the unsuspecting female soul and take everything they can take from her. It’s enough to drive single women into the monastery! Oh the stories!

And so future husband, I have some questions…

I want to know: When did you learn to lie? When did you become a predator of sorts? And when did taking advantage of those who love you, and hurting them without basic human regard, become your “standard operating procedure”? How is it that you became a taker and not a giver? What pushed you to that?

I want to know: And to those whom this applies, how do you look yourself in the mirror after each sexual conquest and each “come up”? Do you beam with pride, like a college student when they get an “A” on a Final exam? Do you feel relieved and excited, like a runner who trained for months and then took 1st place in a marathon?

How do you reward yourself as you add to the trail of cracked hearts and to the unhealthy experiences and bitterness of women?

Where exactly are you going with all of that jive?

And who taught you that was OK?

Did you witness abuse and disrespect in your home? Did you see men hitting women, calling them “b*tches and h*es, and taking money from them and their children? Did the men in your life operate in infidelity? Or worse…did someone take your virginity against your will like the Antwone Fisher story? I want to know when callousness set in?

What created the anger and disconnect in you? Are your walls built from eye-witness pain? Did your Mom abuse you? Was she on crack and abandon you? Did your father fail to show up to your basketball games, give you a hug or provide financial support? Were you raised by pimps, gang bangers and pushers who taught you disdain for women and that it’s best to “get them before they get you?”

I need to know: When you are home on quiet evenings, do you sit on your couch for hours with a note pad and pen writing out the stories, compliments and promises to say to the next woman you meet on Facebook or in the club, or are you a natural wordsmith, freelancing and spitting compelling words with ease, like Pac, or J.Cole?

Do you use the same set of phrases and words on everyone? You know like these for instance…”good morning beautiful”, “baby I can’t wait to see you”, “call me, I miss you”, or “let’s put some stamps in your passport”-I could go on, but you get the point.  If these are standard, then what words are “special” for the people who matter for real?

I need to know: When does it stop? When is enough new p*ssy enough? Is it really that hard to be committed and honest?

Are the fast paced offerings of the next “best thing” or “greener grass” (aka better ass) that tempting and so out of control that you don’t know how to stop the runaway train and just love someone?  Hasn’t enough damage already been done to us, to you and the culture?

My dearest future husband, we need you and we want you. But we can’t keep up with this perpetual game of nothingness. We don’t have time for it. It’s making us bitter and cold.

We can’t love you like this. Something has to change.

A strong, loving and committed man, makes a formidable marriage and home.

If not you, then who? If not now, then when?

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Don’t Awaken Her Love…if You Have No Intentions of Loving Her

Bob Marley has this quote that says, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.”

And to that I say this: for any man entering (or trying to re-enter) any woman’s life…if your intentions are dishonorable, if you want only to take and not give, if you aren’t clear about what you want and need, if you aren’t emotionally (or otherwise) ready, and if you cannot add value: emotional, joy, love and financial value and commit to the process and the relationship, then do yourself and us a favor and keep it moving.

Don’t open a woman’s heart if you have no intention of doing right, being right and loving her. And if you aren’t capable of loving and staying-then stop before you start. To be in it, you have to be “ready, willing and able…”(in my Jaheim voice). If you play games, or dabble in it…if you toy with her emotions and heart, be ready to manage whatever the outcome of that looks like. Don’t play victim when it gets real. At this point in life, none of us have time for anything less than ALL IN LOVE. Most women have had enough of the nonsense, I know I have. I won’t do it anymore. Come correct or don’t come. Either way, we will be fine. Love us or let us be!

Now that you know…let’s proceed~

~by Rhonda E. Frost

 

 

An Open Letter to Exes

If you break up with someone or get a divorce there’s usually a reason that occurred. There was something that wasn’t working to the point where it made sense to let that person go. That being said, it’s natural to miss the one you loved or still love for that matter. Let’s face it, breaking up is hard and we all reminisce and sort through memories of times you shared with that someone who was special at one time or another and we all imagine what it could have been like had they worked for us. We all do that.

But here’s the deal, if you broke up with someone and you go back to someone else or you move on quickly to the next person before your heart is healed or before your mind is clear on what you want and need, it creates a messy situation and potentially a hurtful situation because what you will find after the salve of him or her over your wounded needy heart has dissipated and the excitement of someone else filling that empty space has worn off, you wake up and realize one of these things: 1)they are not what you really want or need, or 2) the relationship isn’t going to work for a myriad of reasons, 3) you realize you just aren’t ready for another relationship or 4 ) you miss the person you had-and then you have to back out of the new situation and risk hurting someone. Sometimes you can back out peacefully and amicably, sometimes not, because emotions are a tricky thing.

Now the other piece to this very important message today is this-if you move on to the next thing and you find you aren’t as happy as you might have envisioned…don’t, and I repeat DON’T pull the one you left back into the fray. Don’t text them, don’t send subliminal messages, don’t send sweet songs for them to listen to, don’t send flowers, don’t tell them you miss them and by all means, don’t tell them about your current or failed new relationship! All that does is: 1) it keeps them connected to you and keeps their hopes up of rekindling(which is what you hope it does) and 2) it creates a volatile situation for all parties. And above all of that, it’s selfish.

So if you have moved on, know that the other person is also trying to move on. And you calling, texting and sending mixed messages doesn’t serve the healing process. You trying to keep them in the relationship matrix because the new thing isn’t as good as what you had, isn’t fair or right. This is how people get hurt, physically and otherwise. The only time you should reach back to rekindle love with your Ex is if: 1) you plan to do right, 2) you have cleared the mess you created, 3) you’ve apologized for the wrong you’ve done and 4) both people want the same thing at the same time.

This is about feelings and raw emotions and selfishness. Be careful with folks hearts. It’s not a game. Playing with fire will often times get you burned or in street terms get you f*cked up!

In closing, the next time you decide to move forward with someone else, take a good hard look at what you have and examine the value and what they give to you and do for you and if you decide after that evaluation to go on, then do that and never look back but don’t do that and keep pulling others back in for your selfish needs. And if you disregard this PSA and do it anyway, well don’t act like a victim when the sh*t goes bad. You get what you get.

~Rhonda E. FrostMe June 2016

So Many Good Women-So Few Good Men?

There are so many good women out here ready to be a wife or in a committed relationship. Women who are emotionally available, doing the work, handling business, growing in knowledge, raising their children(or have raised them) and focused. They are smart, attractive, sexy, funny, warm and kind women. Women who’ve been broken but still believe. Women who are willing to give love another chance in spite of the bleakness of it all. Yet, seemingly, so few men who value her. Why? As days turn into months, and months turn into years, I can’t help but wonder when he will show up for the collective us?

We…

We carry children for 9 months (stretching our stomachs beyond repair), we give birth through our birth canals suffering through the most painful experience any human can endure (and live to tell about), we raise our babies, we allow you into our sacred place trusting you to do right. We make a house into a home, we clean up after you, we cook, we nurture, we exercise the patience of Job (yes the biblical Job) as we wait for you to grow up, communicate with clarity, love with good intention, put down childish things, make up your minds, and get right…

We work with you as you sort through your feelings and emotions, go through your “mid-life” crises (most of your life), and as you take us for granted and mess up repeatedly. We forgive you, over and over again. We answer the phone when you call even after weeks of absence or after you’ve hurt us one more time. We lift you up when you are down and we allow you to keep coming back even when we shouldn’t. Patiently we wait for you to see past our booty, breasts and bodies or what we can offer you sexually and to acknowledge our soul and see our heart…we practically beg you to listen, to see our value and appreciate our goodness. We wait in anticipation hoping you will finally claim us for forever and be “him”, the “one”, our protector and provider. The one who will cover us with respect and love til our lungs no longer fill with oxygen and our hearts no longer beat. But where are you? When will you show up fully present, ready, willing and able to assume the position?

This isn’t for the lucky few who have this in their lives, this is for the masses, the rest of the women who have not had this experience of love and commitment. I speak for them.

Is it timing? Is it lack of regard? Is it too much excess or too many options? What makes finding him or him finding her so tricky? What makes respecting a good woman so hard? I can’t help but to wonder what would happen if we just stopped. What if we stopped forgiving, giving, doing, catering, taking your calls, making love to you, listening to your stories, accepting less than what we are worth, allowing you back in? Would you change? Would you show up and act right? Would “I do” be restored to it’s sacred place? Would you appreciate the woman who has been fighting for you the whole time or appreciate the next good woman you meet? What will it take for us to change and get back to respecting real people and real love? What will it take to value or desire marriage? What will it take for us to honor relationships?

These are rhetorical questions but comments are welcome. ***sigh*** Back to work now…

 

A Grown Woman’s Thoughts…on Dating

May 2, 2016

 

I don’t necessarily want to know what college you went to and what degree you obtained, I need to know if you can communicate in good and bad times in the wee hours of the morning and late at night about things that matter. I don’t care how many cars you have, what your 401K balance is or where you go for vacation, I need to know if you will be there when I call, is your word “bond” and do you care enough to be fully present when we spend time. I need to know if you are kind and affectionate and what makes you feel alive. I don’t need to hear another promise, be told how beautiful I am or spend weekend after weekend on another date hanging out with you, I need to know what you want to do and where you want to go…with us.

I don’t really care how much “swag” you have, how many Purple Label fine suits you can pull out of the closet, or how many Gucci driving loafers and silk ties you can rock on any given day. I need to know who you are when I am not looking, and what you see in me when you are. I need to know how you love, and if you are quick to anger and what you do when you get there. I need to know how you manage disappointment. I need to know what brings you joy and what family and the word “wife” means to you. I need to know your spiritual connection and what Source you rely on when life isn’t so pleasant. I need to know how you forgive and what gets you up in the morning.

And to be clear, I’d be lying if I said money, degrees and assets don’t matter, of course they do! These things make life easier, they give us options and peace of mind. And yes, having “swag” and being sexy and a great lover is a bonus. But what I’ve learned over the years is that at the end of the day, the heart doesn’t know if you have any of those “things”, but it knows when it feels love and it knows when the spirit is full and the soul is at peace.

The “things and stuff” that matter in life, have little to do with your advanced degree, your Benz or your title. If you have all of the trappings but lack patience, character, courage, the ability to hold a meaningful conversation and/or you don’t possess the maturity, growth and willingness to commit to love and a future, it matters not what degrees hang on the wall, or how many zeros are on your bank statement… it’s an empty unfulfilled life, without hope for growth and deep love, of which, I want no part.

 

by Rhonda E. Frost

Writer, Blogger, Published Author, Middle Aged Journalism Student, Serial Dater, Divorced Mom with 4 Adult Children, 100% Pittsburgh Steeler fan, Lover of life, music and dancingme with lights 2

No Time for “Half-Way” Love

the hourglass of time

I humbly admit, at this time in my life, I don’t know how to love someone “half-in” or “half-way”. I’m fifty-two years old. I’ve done it before and I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t have time for “almost in” love relationships.

I don’t want to hold surface conversations with shallow words and topics (not for long anyway). I want to go deep.  I want to know you and I want you to know me.  In the words of Rascal Flatts, “there’s a place in your heart, nobody’s been, take me there. Things nobody knows, not even your friends, take me there…I want to know everything about you…” that’s the kind of connection I seek. I want our “soul print” boxes to connect as Marc Gafni speaks about in his book Soul Prints. We can’t get to “soul print” connections on the surface. I don’t want to withhold compliments or touches. I want you to know I appreciate what I see and I want you to feel my touch. And I want to the same in return.

I can no longer tolerate pretense or to act like things don’t bother me when they do, or  act like I don’t see or hear what I see and hear. I don’t know how to get to know you without asking questions or clarifying issues. I can’t kiss without passion or make love like it doesn’t matter. Sporadic love, communication and intimacy doesn’t interest me.

Everything matters now. Every second matters. Every word matters. Every touch matters. Time is of the essence. The hourglass of time is turned upside down and the sands are trickling down, it won’t be too long before they are gone. I want each of my remaining minutes to be filled with passion, laughter, joy, love and purpose. I want my life to be connected and if we(whoever “we” are) choose each other, then I say, let’s be all in, let’s leave fear at the door and let us show each other what it means to love, protect and respect each other. If we can’t have that, then we can’t have anything.  No, I can’t do “half-way” love anymore. I’d rather fly solo until my present and ready someone arrives.

 

Rhonda E. Frost

10 Pros and Cons to Dating a Married Man

By Rhonda E. Frost Co-Author of, Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man, and the upcoming book Is Married the New Single?  writer, editor, relationship blogger.

Like it or not, infidelity and affairs are part of the fabric of our relationship lives. There are websites like Ashleymadison.com which touts over 42 million anonymous married subscribers, marriedcheaters.com and a host of other on-line sites that give married people the opportunity to get their needs met with people who are not their spouse, not to mention the traditional way of meeting someone’s spouse, like at work (think the hit series Scandal where the on screen POTUS named Fitz Grant is having a torrid affair with Olivia Pope his staffer) or that sexy guy you met at the night club, church or the grocery store.  Married men are everywhere making themselves available to single women. I call it dating while married or (DWM). We all know at least one woman who has dated a married man, or been cheated on. I know more than one. In fact almost every married guy I know and almost every single woman I know has a story. I have several of my own. You can acknowledge it or bury you head in the sand, whichever works best, but what is undeniable is that this phenomenon is here to stay.  Continue reading